California Here We Come

Me and Seamus, that is.

My little BlackBerry buddy and I are heading out on the road (or in the air) once again, as we prepare to visit Glendale, California for two days of book signing events, and then on to the Women's Conference in Long Beach, hosted by Maria Shriver and featuring an extensive list of amazing speakers and celebrities. And me.

Now, I'm a little worried about taking this pasty Canadian body out to the west coast, to the land of the well-known and well-sewn, so I've taken the following precautions:

- The emergency pedi. Yes, there is such a thing. Had one yesterday.

- The attempt at colour. Have spread one layer of self-tanning foam on anticipated exposed limbs. Hoping I don't turn orange, but on positive side have a cool segueway into sharing some never-used jaundice advice with new Moms.

- Have explored and rejected the Botox option. Fingers now crossed for a botulism ban at Toronto's Pearson Airport which gets me to the front of the US Customs Line. Plus, I actually do look like my Passport photo right now. No, it's not a good picture. Thanks for asking.

- Am using 7 year old son's natural "Kate Gosselin hair" bedhead as prototype model to restrain myself from licking hand and patting it down, should I run into her during her book signing at the conference.

- Hoping Mario Lopez will put on 20 pounds of fat and lose his abs prior to Monday, when he is scheduled to show women how to dance (and sign his book), AT THE SAME TIME they could be visiting ME in the Verizon booth. Whatever.

- Have several tricks planned to get Valerie Bertinelli to fall off her diet and once again lower the bar for all us Moms over 45.

With any luck, no one will ever know I'm Canadian.

On the other hand, I hope they do.